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Jokes
Aviation Dictionary
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Jolly Old St. Nicholas
I wrote this about 18 years ago, so it's rather dated, but a lot of controllers think it's funny:
"Jolly Old St. Nicholas, I'm from the FAA
I've been told that you have no transponder on your sleigh!
The 30 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
Guess the airline this Flight Attendant works for...
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Calgary noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she is so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant! But which airline does she work for?"
The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
Aircraft maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
The plane is crashing into the ocean
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
Flight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.
An engineer and a programmer
Parachute Troubles
Engine Problem
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
Pilot Jokes
Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Airlines using an OS joke
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.